We're grieving in our own way. It involves being busy to take our minds off things. Clay has baseball about 4-5 times a week (not exaggeration), we have the other usual things, we're avoiding people (sorry), and I went to Branson yesterday, and we leave for Florida tomorrow.
We'd planned this Disney trip for the kids Summer Vacation since we wouldn't be able to travel in their real summer. Problem is, now we could go this summer, but this is already booked. We already paid for the airfare and hotel, so we can go and enjoy, or stay home and think about what we could be doing. We are choosing to go. We'll have fun with the kids I'm sure. They are excited, and I can't imagine letting them down (again).
I went to Branson to pick up her First Communion dress, and to do a little shopping. I took Ethan, which turned out to be a good day. He threw a couple fits, but it was still a good trip. He made me laugh out loud so many times, and I needed that. He walked around picking up tons of clothes saying, "Sissy needs this!" and hanging them on the stoller handle (our portable clothing rack). He found a shirt he liked (that I didn't like), and he wanted it. I hung it on the "rack" and we kept walking. When he wasn't looking, I put it back. Then a few minutes later, I heard him saying, "Mommy, I'm so mad at you. You put my shirt back!" Ha! He caught me. I got it down, and did the same thing again. Heehee
The other laugh-out-loud thing was when he saw a big long-sleeve shirt hanging alone down low. While I wasn't looking, he got inside it, put his arms inside the sleeves, and starting waving the arms saying, "Wooo-ooo" all ghosty-like. So funny. I took a picture, and had to tell him to be still, since the camera couldn't catch the arms moving! The neck on the shirt was too high for his head, so it looked like the headless horseman. Eventually the hanger snapped (not-so-funny), and he fell down. He was upset, and it scared us both, but it was still funny. I sooo needed the laugh. He was great-very lovable and pretty agreeable except around five-o'clock: the normal tantrum time if he hasn't had a nap (which he didn't).
I'm doing okay. Better with the medication. I didn't choose to be on it, or want to be, but it's helping me day-to-day. I don't know how long I'll be on it, and it's an issue with me. I feel different than the person I was a week ago. It's weird. I feel like it was all a dream, and I'm not that person, like I wan't really pregnant. I'm not sure if that's the meds talking, or if it's just very surreal, and I'm still in unbelief.
We are making it, and just now Ches is telling me about how he feels and what people have said to him at work. It's hard to get outside yourself and think about someone else when you are hurting, but I've kinda expected him to care about me, so it's his turn. He's not got it easy either.
I'm almost finished reading one of the miscarriage books I bought, and I feel more educated and a little hopeful. I'm pinning a lot of hope on my May 3rd appointment with the specialist, so I hope I learn something. I have a follow-up appointment with my doctor next Friday, so maybe he can tell me if he got news back on my babies, and if he has a theory about what happened. I have questions for him, and I'll tell him we are seeing a specialist. I'd like him to keep my original file, and just send copies. I don't know what standard procedure is with patient files, but I'll request just the same.
I'm just about done packing (clothes are in there), so we are almost ready to go. I have to call Disney to add more days to our passes, and I'll call my doctor on Monday to see if I can ride the roller coasters with Clay (they make Ches ultra-sick). We'll have fun, and bond with each other some more. We need some fun time away, just us. I hate that they are missing some school, but we do need a diversion. Hug your kids, and love your family-I'm learning that not everything is a sure thing.
I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hand. ..Isaiah 49:15-16
Oh, and I forgot to tell you about allll the things he rode on..quite a fun, coin-filled day!
2 comments:
What a fun filled excursion, shopping with Ethan in Branson and having fun! He is so cute and loving. Fun photos!
Glad you are feeling better. Enjoy yourself in Florida, I know the kiddies will.
L & H
We did have fun. I wasn't sure how well it'd go, or how I'd do with all those baby clothes. I didn't really look at them, and Ethan was an awesome diversion. Cute and cuddly at the same time (oh, and a couple fits..).
Yes, better. We are having fun. Our weather is just almost like yours! : )
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